Often, we battle with the question of who am I? We go through an internal crisis and feel like whatever we have done in the past – achievements, career choices, relationships, opinions, and belief systems – means nothing in the present moment. We may feel sad, alone, lost, hopeless, angry and not know how to proceed because it all feels so useless. We aren’t happy and we mostly don’t know why life feels so wrong in the moment, especially when we thought we were taking the correct path previously.
It’s been referred to as the “dark night of the soul” or a “mid-life crisis”. It’s when a change needs to be taken after faithfully following a path that we perhaps enjoyed and chose, or one that was given to us as the proscribed method of living a “successful” life. It’s more than a slight course correction on a road trip; it’s a major upheaval. We can’t go back and we don’t really want to, but we can’t imagine what comes next. We feel caught and can’t see the escape route.
Some people try to distract themselves and break apart from all that came before. That rarely brings solace in the long run. A new car, house, relationship, or country won’t necessarily create the ease that is longed for. That’s because this crisis is an inside job. It is about the inner self not about the external surroundings.
Self is not defined by outer material things or by what other people say or believe you to be. Self is only about what YOU belief yourself to be. What is at the core of your being, your essence, your soul. Have you been brainwashed to accept judgements or evaluations about yourself that aren’t real or true?
It’s been the nature of our western society to want to slot us into one size fits all boxes. Also, there are the roles that get imposed on us from our family of origin or important others whether through malice, immaturity, blind selfishness, or, more benignly, through inexperience or ignorance. We want to be loved and appreciated so we go along with these roles because it seems to be how we can fit in and be part of the whole.
Occasionally the brainwashing or programming works and it resonates with who we are at our core. However, when it doesn’t, inevitably there is a point when the wake-up call is received. Not pretty or comfortable to experience but necessary if you are to fulfill the “mission” of your life. It often comes in our late 30’s or early 40’s, hence the sobriquet of “mid-life crisis”.
It leads us to re-evaluate everything but especially what we want now and for the future. It takes patience and willingness to delve into hidden or dark spots of ourselves, uncovering erroneous beliefs about ourselves and then remaking those beliefs. We begin to figure out what evaluations of ourselves reflect our personal reality and what don’t. Maybe the labels of lazy or clumsy or stupid that we grew up with don’t match with what is real. And because we bought into those labels, we shaped our previous life around that self-belief.
During this kind of crisis in our middle years, we are ready to look again at what has shaped us, and sculpt away what is false, allowing the truth to emerge. We may have to learn to appreciate and love ourselves, which, if we have not before, is a challenging shift. This shift takes eyes wide-open courage and persistence while giving ourselves grace to backtrack, cry, and flail before moving forward. As many times as we need!
Further, we may want to understand not only WHO we are but also WHAT we are. Do we feel we are connected to the world outside us? Do we enjoy a walk in the woods and feel restored when we are in nature? Do we have an affinity to animals? Do we feel connected to more than just the material objects that surround us?
Is there an inner presence that is clothed in our physical bodies? Does this particular existence seem to reflect some larger ongoing personal manifestation? Could reports of near death experiences (NDE) and remembrances of past lives hold a key to the mystery of what we are? Do we have a higher self, a soul, that exists beyond the physical body?
These are questions that humans have been contemplating throughout history and differing cultures. Many answers have come from contemplation of such inquiries. Investigating these questions are an integral part of figuring out WHO we are by helping us to gain a wider perspective of WHAT we are.
Furthermore, as we age, the majority of humans begin to sense that there is some connecting energy that binds us all. Perhaps that perspective leads to a spiritual belief or a sense that there is something else beyond the physical existences we are experiencing. Are we part of a unified whole? Maybe we can’t define it but we can feel it. It may be a palpable sensation that creeps up on us as we move into a deeper sense of who and what we are and how we fit into the world around us. We can call it Source, Collective Consciousness, All That Is, God, or Goddess. That Unity Consciousness becomes part of our identity as well.
The mid-life crisis is not the only identity shift that we experience through the life journey. Perhaps it happens after graduating from high school or college, or when deciding to live with a partner and have children, or changing careers, or experiencing unexpected physical hardships. The need to shift identities and self-beliefs continues up until we die. How we negotiate the big one, whenever it occurs, serves as a template for those that inevitably come after. We are always sculpting away, refining who and what we are, and realigning what has meaning for ourselves and how that fits in with our concept of the world at large.